Are you an astounding dancer but a perennial wallflower? Are you an appalling dancer but have dance partners are lined up around the block for a chance to boogie with you?
Wonder no more at these and other "mysteries" of that "mysterious" dance called "Tango" - take this handy special Holiday Edition quiz to reveal your "Toronto Tango Dance Popularity Quotient"!
1. You are:
a) Male, under 30 (add 10 points)
b) Male, over 30 (add 10 points)
c) Male, Milonguero (add 50 points. You've got that extra-special Tango cachet)
d) Male, "Toronto Milonguero" (add 500 points. No, it doesn't mean you are necessarily as good a dancer as an actual "Milonguero" - not only are you often failing to improvise, you actually delight in doing the "bumper-car" on the dance floor. Your true popularity is all about the laws of geographical supply and demand)
2. You are:
a) Female, under 30 (add 25 points)
b) Female, between 30 - 40 (no points)
c) Female, over 40 (minus 25 points, with further 10 point deduction for every month over 45)
3. Guys, what are you wearing tonight?
a) Clean suit (add 25 points)
b) Sweaty suit (add 25 points)
c) Untucked shirt and baggy pants (add 25 points)
d) Shorts and Hawaii shirt (add 25 points)
e) Pajamas (add 25 points)
4. Ladies, what are you wearing tonight?
a) Cargo pants and tatty t-shirt (add 10 points)
b) Black and red dress with sequins and fringe (add 10 points)
c) Skirts with pants (add 10 points, and bonus 10 points because this is a costume signifying that you can also lead and you will ask other ladies to dance)
d) Something nice and classy that doesn't scream "TANGO"! (add 10 points)
e) Your skirt is so short your butt is hanging out/Your neckline is so low I can see your bellybutton (add 100 points)
5. Ladies, how about shoes?
a) Dance sneakers (add 10 points)
b) Tango shoes, but not 4 inch high Comme Il Fauts (add 10 points)
c) 4 inch high Comme Il Fauts (add 20 points)
d) Flip flops (add 10 points)
e) Barefoot (add 10 points)
f) One shoe on and one shoe off (you are obviously the belle of the ball)
6. Hairstyles for men:
a) Full head of hair (add 10 points)
b) No hair (add 10 points)
c) Balding (add 10 points)
d) Massive elaborate head-turning byzantine comb-over (add 10 points)
e) Toupee (add 10 points)
7. Men's dance skills:
a) Dance to the beat (add 10 points)
b) Don't dance to the beat (add 10 points)
c) Many dragging and leaning movements in your repetoire (add 10 points. Indeed, you must be the head of some Toronto Tango organization)
d) Many ganchos, voleos, colgadas and volcadas in your repetoire (add 10 points. See 7c) above)
e) You don't do "steps". "Steps" are for monkeys. Real men just walk with their eyes closed (add 10 points)
f) Sometimes you trip and drop your partner on the floor (You must be really good to be that fancy. Maybe you are an instructor! Add 20 points)
8. Women's dance skills:
a) No adornments (add 10 points)
b) Many adornments (add 10 points)
c) Continuous ochos (minus 10 points)
d) Spontaneous ganchos (minus 10 points)
e) You unintentionally flip your partner's "little brother" with your knee (minus 50 points)
f) Expressions of moist glistening ecstasy (add 50 points)
e) You unintentionally flip your partner's "little brother" with your knee while wearing an expression of moist glistening ecstasy (For some men, you can add 100 points. For other men, you can minus 1,000 points)
9. My conversations with my dance partners on the dance floor consist of:
a) Neutral chit-chat (add 5 points)
b) Blank awkward stares (no points)
c) Sarcasm (minus 5 points)
d) Mild flattery (add 10 points)
e) Unabashed pandering (add 20 points)
f) "Oh... My... GOD! You're the most AMAZING dancer in the world EVER. I don't even need a Medium! Your dancing totally channels the spirit of D'Arienzo/De Angelis/Di Sarli/Rodriguez/Pugliese etc. I SWEAR your dancing makes me feel POSSESSED!" (add 100 points)
10. Official Toronto Tango Status:
a) Male newbie (minus 5 points)
b) Female newbie (add 20 points)
c) Male veteran (add 20 points)
d) Female veteran (no points)
e) Tango DJ (add 25 points)
f) Tango Organizer (add 25 points)
e) Tango Instructor (no points. Last time I checked everyone in Toronto is an Instructor, so it isn't really that much of an advantage)
f) "Fabio" (add 100,000 points)
11. Bonus Round - "Literary Affiliations". You are:
a) Not a Tango Blogger (no points)
b) A Tango Blogger (add 25 points)
c) The Tango Blogger who blogs for "Irene and Man Yung's Tango Blog" (minus 50,000 points)
